#180 In which we “give that to a little kid”

Pete Megadeath, Secretary of the newly named Department of Fussin’ and Fightin’, called in the brass from around the world this week to show them all the dust on his boots. It costs a bunch of millions of dollars and took the generals away from their real work, but it had to be done. I mean, listen: “No more beards, long hair, superficial, individual expression.” This is the army, Mr. Jones. “We’re going to cut our hair, shave, shave our beards and adhere to standards.” He also told them to drop down and give him twenty. “Frankly, it’s tiring to look out at combat formations, or really any formation, and see fat troops,” he said. “Likewise, it’s completely unacceptable to see fat generals and admirals in the halls of the Pentagon.”

We here at ConstiToonies hate to see our fat generals and admirals trying to squeeze by one another in those narrow Pentagon hallways, getting their beards all tangled together. On the other hand, Pistol Pete has softened his position on women, whom he formerly claimed were mentally unsuited to combat roles. He’s decided instead that they’re physically unsuited to combat roles, although on the plus side, at least most of them aren’t sporting beards. 

In the middle of all of this, the Commander-in-Chief—slightly fat, perhaps, but beardless, thank God—strode in and told the assembled military leaders to prepare for the Real War, the one against the stupid democrats. You thought fussin’ and fightin’ in the deserts of the Middle East or the jungles of Southeast Asia was tough, wait until you face the rush hour school bus traffic in downtown Memphis, or the angry mobs emerging from the recording of NPR's weekly "Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me" show in the Studebaker Auditorium on Michigan Avenue in Chicago. “War is hell!” the President proclaimed. “But American cities run by the enemy are even heller, and that’s where your next battles will be.”

The brass, by definition inherently apolitical, remain stony faced through all of this. Or at least we think they were stony faced. It was hard to tell with all those beards out there in the audience.