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#186 In which Samson tears them buildings down

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There have been a handful of major renovations at the White House over the years. Most recently, good old Harry Truman gutted and rebuilt the innards of the place. Then again, HST was a terrorist antifa Democrat, so maybe that’s not the best precedent to cite. According to the ConstiToonies Research Department, only the British in 1814 actually managed to wantonly destroy any of it. Until now. The man of wealth and taste did promise that construction wouldn’t “interfere with the current building,” so at least there was that, until the wrecking ball hit. And he likes to point out that he’s paying for it all himself, except for the protection money he’s extorting from all those various corporations. Having already turned the Rose Garden into an outdoor fast-food seating area—although he gives credit to his immigrant wife for that one—we will soon have Trump Tower Junior rising over Washington. So it goes. On the bright side, we understand that the building plans will be sent in for appro...
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#185 In which we issue a warning.

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The ConstiToonies HQ staff often takes on the responsibilities that we feel are too onerous for the general public. Watching King Trump’s video of himself dropping sewage on Saturday’s protestors is one such responsibility. We have watched it so that you don’t have to. In a word, it’s worse than you can possibly imagine, and our advice is to find your friendly neighborhood influencer and watch them instead.  
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#184 In which we keep the traffic moving

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We here at ConstiToonies HQ are glad to hear that the Federal Government, AKA the people who are in the midst of a general shutdown combined with a layoff jamboree, have plenty of time despite their woes to attack NYC’s plans to add a bus lane to busy 34th Street, which goes east-west across Manhattan. Other similar bus lanes have proven effective in speeding up traffic and minimizing accidents, which we guess makes them into some sort of Democrat commie antifa plot to make America ungreat again. We know that the man of wealth and taste hates NYC, pretty much in direct proportion to how much NYC hates the man of wealth and taste; after all, they know him the best. This is just another example of one of his undying vendettas: “You don’t love me? Then I’ll get you, and your little buses too!” Most old people, when they retire to Florida from New York, put their city pasts behind them. Sadly, when Trump went to Florida, he didn’t retire, and his venom against his old home town knows no en...
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#183 In which we’re almost back

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Things are really humming with the team all back at ConstiToonies HQ after a refreshing two weeks’ vacation. For a little while none of us gave even a thought to life in these United States, except for the handful of us waiting on endless lines for the skeleton crew at airport immigration to let us back in to partake of it. The one exception was Hank, our security guard, who kept the premises safe in our absence. With little to do but roam the empty hallways and occasionally flick a light or two on and off, Hank mostly sat at the front security desk signing for packages and following the news online. To help us get back into the flow, he provided us with the following memo. Hey, guys. Hank here. Thought you might be interested in what you missed while you were away, so I made a list: ·        China promised to reduce greenhouse gas emissions. We didn’t. ·        Florida is giving Trump a $200 million plot of land for his future...
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#182 In which we let the Hero, born of woman, crush the serpent with his heel

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Despite all that’s going on in the world, or perhaps because of it, ConstiToonies is going on hiatus for a couple of weeks. The offices will be going dim, and nobody will be scouring the news to find the entertaining little tidbits of how we’re blithely going to hell in a hand basket. We’ll miss things like Trump calling out David Letterman (whose ratings, the man of wealth and taste points out, were never very good and who looks like hell) as a highly overrated LOSER!!! in all caps and three exclamation points. Poor Letterman, just sitting around minding his own business, growing his beard and enjoying his partial retirement, and all of a sudden he gets attacked from the grammar school playground (AKA the White House) with all sorts of infantile name calling. And then there’s Trump wishing the press corps on Air Force One a safe flight, but then pointing out that he says it only because he’s on the flight with them. "Otherwise I wouldn't care." Yeah, he really said that....
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#181 In which we take a really cheap shot

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Skimming our notes from the last few days: The Defense Department—newly renamed FAFO Central—now demands that Pentagon reporters only publish what press officers approve. We’re not talking classified information, just stuff Pete Megadeath & Co don’t want aired in public. Okay. Free press and all that? Who needs it? In other MAGA news, Ted Cruz pleaded: “Let’s stop attacking pedophiles.” Although we know he didn’t mean it—words do not come easy to this graduate of Princeton and the Harvard Law School, as well as the author of four books—we are awfully glad he said it. Meanwhile, America's answer to Mother Teresa, JD Vance, said: “"There's a lot of emergency healthcare at hospitals that are provided to illegal aliens. That was funded by the federal government. We turned off that funding because of course we want American citizens to benefit from those hospital services, not to be taxed and then have those hospital services go to illegal aliens." In other words, n...
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#180 In which we “give that to a little kid”

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Pete Megadeath, Secretary of the newly named Department of Fussin’ and Fightin’, called in the brass from around the world this week to show them all the dust on his boots. It costs a bunch of millions of dollars and took the generals away from their real work, but it had to be done. I mean, listen: “No more beards, long hair, superficial, individual expression.” This is the army, Mr. Jones. “We’re going to cut our hair, shave, shave our beards and adhere to standards.” He also told them to drop down and give him twenty. “Frankly, it’s tiring to look out at combat formations, or really any formation, and see fat troops,” he said. “Likewise, it’s completely unacceptable to see fat generals and admirals in the halls of the Pentagon.” We here at ConstiToonies hate to see our fat generals and admirals trying to squeeze by one another in those narrow Pentagon hallways, getting their beards all tangled together. On the other hand, Pistol Pete has softened his position on women, whom he form...
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