160 In which we go to War

We here at ConstiToonies HQ are trying to clear our decks of recent news that missed our main coverage. Excuse us if you’ve heard these before.

“Total Victory,” the man of wealth and taste proclaimed. Well, not exactly. It was the half a billion dollar fine that was overturned (for being too excessive), not the charges of fraud. TMOWAT retains his position as our first convicted felon POTUS, and also as our ever-reliable Bullshitter-in-Chief. 

“D.C. was a hellhole and now it’s safe,” the man of wealth and taste also proclaimed. He went on: “We will solve Chicago within one week, maybe less, but within one week, we will have no crime in Chicago.” We will also end the Ukraine war within the first 24 hours of his second term. On the other hand, we have paved over the White House rose garden to look like the outdoor seating area at the local crab shack, so  at least we do have some real accomplishments.

And finally, he’s now asking SCOTUS to reverse his sex abuse conviction that has already been upheld in, we think, one appeals court, but TMOWAT has so many lawsuits on so many burners that we can hardly be blamed for having difficulty keeping track. If you’ll remember, this was the case where his original defense was that the victim was not his type, implying that if she were his type, he would have sexually abused her till the cows came home. Not the greatest defense, in our estimation, but what do we know?