#177 In which we go to the head of the class

It was a moment of crisis the likes of which were previously inconceivable. As the Commander-in-Chief of the richest nation in the world stepped onto the escalator, it suddenly ground to a frightening halt. Oh, the humanity! There he was, Donald Trump, neither going up nor down, on an escalator bound for nowhere. For a stress-filled moment the world held its breath as secret service agents, MAGA bros and various cabinet of curiosity secretaries pooled their collective intellects until finally a tiny voice suggested, “I think you’re going to have to walk up, Mr. President.” 

Crisis averted.

While the man of wealth and taste went on to the General Assembly to decry the world’s diplomats as a bunch of knuckleheaded cow-hating windmillers playing a climate change con game, the wheels began to turn. The President was sorely miffed over what quickly became known as EscalatorGate. Some villainous antifa billionaires were obviously at work here, but which ones? And who was their instrument of destruction? A countrywide search began for a Democrat terrorist DEI-loving escalator handyman. The National Guard, ICE, and the Space Force Combat Force joined together to flush out the culprit. “We will find whoever performed this heinous deed,” the President’s press secretary announced, “and we will boil him in oil on the steps of the UN building before drawing and quartering him, stuffing his brain into a sausage casing and tossing him deep into the nearest active volcano as a sacrifice to the gods.” But all the king’s horses and all the king’s men were baffled; no supervillain seemed to be behind the attack, and no hapless UN handyman was found to take the rap. And then, finally, the truth was revealed. The UN said in a statement that the evidence revealed that Trump's own videographer had accidentally triggered a safety mechanism while traveling backwards to capture President and Mrs. Trump's arrival. The safety mechanism, a UN spokesperson added, "is designed to prevent people or objects accidentally being caught and stuck in or pulled into the gearing."

And so the world breathed easier (if, given the President’s predilection for unbridled gas emissions, breathing easier was indeed possible). Disaster was averted. The Trumps, their secret service agents, MAGA bros and various cabinet of curiosity secretaries were not pulled into the gearing of the magnificent UN escalator AKA the Electric Death Stairs. 

And MAGA marches on.