#183 In which we’re almost back

Things are really humming with the team all back at ConstiToonies HQ after a refreshing two weeks’ vacation. For a little while none of us gave even a thought to life in these United States, except for the handful of us waiting on endless lines for the skeleton crew at airport immigration to let us back in to partake of it. The one exception was Hank, our security guard, who kept the premises safe in our absence. With little to do but roam the empty hallways and occasionally flick a light or two on and off, Hank mostly sat at the front security desk signing for packages and following the news online. To help us get back into the flow, he provided us with the following memo.

Hey, guys. Hank here. Thought you might be interested in what you missed while you were away, so I made a list:

• ·      China promised to reduce greenhouse gas emissions. We didn’t.
• ·      Florida is giving Trump a $200 million plot of land for his future library, most of which will be used for overstock copies of The Art of the Deal. (It was the only book anyone believed Trump had ever actually read cover to cover, but there is some ongoing debate about this.) It turns out the land is presently a parking lot. They can probably build the library to house all of Trump’s papers and still find space for a few Lincoln Continentals. 
• ·      Pleasure boat sales are way down in Venezuela.
• ·      The administration put forth a whole new plan to revive the coal industry. A whole new plan to revive the black lung disease industry isn’t yet on the table.
• ·      A couple of photos of the Oval Office showed so much gold trim that cameras could barely capture it without significant photoshopping. Trump says that “some of the highest quality 24 Karat Gold” was used. “Foreign Leaders, and everyone else, ‘freak out’ when they see the quality and beauty. Best Oval Office ever, in terms of success and look.” I question the reason, but I’m sure they do indeed, in quotes, freak out. 
• ·      Yusuf/Cat Stevens had to postpone his US tour because of visa problems. Maybe the US has something against British pop stars?
• ·      The TrumPhone was postponed again. Suggestions that Tim Cook had bling-bribed the President to hold back what would be death-knell competition for the iPhone 17 remains unverified. 
• ·      Mpox is now monkeypox again. 
• ·      Magabros (pronounced ma-GAH-broes) and democrats alike applauded the vitally important release of the Amelia Earhart files. Thank you, President Donald!
• ·      The Chicago Pope came out as all in favor of fixing the environment. The White House called it just a lot more papal bull. 
• ·      The head of the Eisenhower Library was told to hit the road after he refused to let Melania give away one of Ike’s swords to Charles III. 
• ·      Maxwell House coffee is now Maxwell Apartment coffee, because under Trump no one can afford a house anymore.
• ·      The brilliant ethicist who agreed with Trump’s Sharpie hurricane trail back during the 45 era will now lead the NOAA. All Sharpies are henceforth being put under lock and key. 
• ·      Bad Bunny is going to do the Super Bowl half time show. This caused quite an uproar because—who knew?—Puerto Rico is apparently an enemy state. None of this brouhaha had anything to do with Trump, though, who said, “I don’t know who he is.”
• ·      The lead design for a 250 year commemorative coin has been publicized:
• 
• ·      Six—count ‘em, 6—former Surgeons General have warned the general population that RFK, Jr., is endangering the country. Undaunted, the Kennedy Curse was quoted thus: “Somebody showed me a TikTok video of a pregnant woman at 8 months pregnant—she’s an associate professor at the Columbia Medical School—and she is saying ‘F Trump’ and gobbling Tylenol with her baby in her placenta.” No doubt obstetricians—at least six, count ‘em, 6—will soon be warning the general population not to put babies in their placentas. And then there was this: “Two studies ... show children who are circumcised early have double the rate of autism. It’s highly likely because they are given Tylenol.” Holeh moleh!
• ·      Kristi Noem is upset that people won’t let ICE agents use their toilets. (I admit that I didn’t actually read this article.)
• ·      DJT said he’d look into pardoning Ghislaine Maxwell. He also said he “hadn’t heard the name in so long.” Too busy digging for those Earhart files, I guess. 
• ·      When Maria Corina Machado won the Nobel Peace Prize, Trump had to be held back from wholesale nuking of Norway and Sweden. He also suggested she should pass along the prize to him.
• ·      White House communications director Steven Cheung wrote on X: “[Trump] has the heart of a humanitarian, and there will never be anyone like him who can move mountains with the sheer force of his will.” 
• ·      Speaking of social media posts, Trump made one accusing the “BIDEN FBI” of responsibility for the January 6 Capitol riot. And I had always thought that Biden wasn’t President until January 20. Who knew? 
• ·      It turns out that the Genoese explorer Christopher Columbus was the “original American hero,” which would have been a surprise to Queen Isabella. In a message, “We’re back, Italians,” Trump reinstated Columbus Day and told all those indigenous advocacy groups to take the proverbial long walk off a short pier. Apparently America was Great the first time right after we got rid of all the Indians. 
• ·      Long lines to get through the airport TSA? You can watch a video of Kristi Noem blaming it on the Democrats while you’re waiting. (Yeah, her again.) Meanwhile, her DHS now has a $200 million contract with companies with ties to Trump's political operations, having bypassed the standard bidding process because of "unusual and compelling urgency." Three of the advertisements say "Thank you, President Donald J. Trump…” And then there’s the $172 million smackers Noem has just put on the federal Amex for a couple of Gulfstream private jets for herself and her team. A couple of hundred million here, a couple of hundred million there…
• ·      And you don’t feel that the Administration is giving you the time of day? Check out https://gettrumpwatches.com/?srsltid=AfmBOor9oHC91d981H35emL8jNlGKFdtzUsOdxZdJmILl7W7tPrdNm1q Can you say slow delivery, refund run-around, and fake reviews?
• ·      To clear the air on race, Trump’s upgrading the USA immigration policy by limiting it to white people. https://www.nytimes.com/2025/10/15/us/politics/trump-refugee-white-people.html?smid=url-share
• ·      Not to let the Kennedy Curse grab all the medical headlines, DJT wants to remove aluminum from childhood inoculations. Aluminum salts—one-millionth of a gram—have been in vaccines since the 1920s and have a long track record of safety and are essential to generating lasting immunity from disease. Toss out the aluminum salts and you’d need all new vaccines, and one does have slight trouble imagining that under the present regime. Maybe we can just substitute bleach for the aluminum?
• ·      Fans of truth, justice and the American way are now rejoicing that Trump has freed George Santos from prison. Botox sales are expected to rise to new heights as a result.
• ·      On Saturday thousands of marchers in cities around the country protested the Trump administration’s assault on democracy. To which the White House officially replied, “Who cares?”

And that’s all, folks. It was a quiet couple of weeks. Keep fighting the good fight!

Hank

After reading that, we were too exhausted to even consider posting a new comic. Maybe tomorrow.