#217 In which we forego the toonie

Since we doubt if you had the stomach to watch last night’s state of the union speech—its official title was “Best President Ever (In Any Country Anywhere)"—we offer the high points here. 


The man of wealth and taste explained how, through the use of pointless wars, both shooting and trade, he plans to finally acquire his overdue Nobel Peace Prize. If necessary, he will nuke Greenland, Venezuela, Iraq, and Minneapolis back to the Stone Age to get it. While insisting that everything under his administration is cheaper, better made, and more readily available than under that Great American Traitor and Muttonhead Joe Biden, he did manage to blame the un-American Democrat Terrorist LOSER Party as the reason everything seems to look more expensive. He railed against the seditious anti-Trump mainstream media SEX CRIMINALS who do not report his inherent wonderfulness 24/7, suggesting that all of them should be immediately separated from their naughty bits. As for the Formerly Faithful Supreme Court justices that he personally put into the job to support him in all he does and who now had the outright gall to vote against him for once, he described their disgusting behavior as worthy of tarring, feathering and a few cold, snowy days in the stocks on Pennsylvania Avenue. And even as he spoke—or more to the point, even as he digressed—he signed an executive order right there on the podium banning voting for anyone other than his hand-picked candidates. He also explained how much it would cost to become one of his hand-picked candidates, and where to send the crypto coins. After congratulating cabinet ministers Noem and Kennedy on their great work making America American again, if not exactly in the best of health, he offered a surprise screening of the “Melania” movie, after first insuring that the doors to the chamber were locked from the outside. 


Throughout all of this, the faithful regularly stood up and applauded. The unfaithful mostly didn’t bother to show up, and those who did, but who didn’t 

regularly stand up and applaud, were bodily removed from the floor by ICE agents and have not been seen since. 


Aren’t you glad you watched “Grey’s Anatomy” reruns on Netflix instead? 


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