ConstiToonies

When he isn’t changing his mind on Ukraine, our Chief Executive is always busy doing the things that matter. We here at ConstiToonies HQ actually applaud his elimination of the penny coin, for instance. And old Hair-Plugs Biden never had the nads to go after weak shower streams as only a Comb-Over Commando like Trump can. And we understand that the war against paper straws continues apace, with casualties in the unknown billions. And finally, a decision on TikTok—   Okay, maybe Trump hasn’t gone quite that far. 

Every now and then a headline comes along on which we can offer neither comment nor improvement. “Republicans Look to Rename Kennedy Center Opera House After Melania Trump” is just that sort of headline.  

Trump’s visit to the UK was the usual collection of press conference blathering and warnings that the windmills are attacking the whales and remarking in surprise how well all the natives speak English, but it also brought us the proof of what hitherto had only been common chitchat: the man cheats at golf. You can see all the common chitchat with a simple Google search, and most of it is pretty entertaining, but you can also now see a video of a caddy earning his princely tip by conveniently dropping a fresh ball away from the rough so the Chief Executive can get a clear shot of it. A couple of things about this are notable. First, Trump himself doesn’t do the actual ball manipulation; he has his caddy do it for him. And second, he cheats at golf in Scotland. Scotland! This is like eating Kraft Macaroni and Cheese in Italy, or not eating poutine in Canada. It is an insult to the core essence of the country. But, then again, it is Donald I-think-I’ll-give-myself-a-three-on-that-last-hol...

It turns out that Trump’s free, no-strings-attached, because-we-love-you-as-all-right-thinking-humans-must Airforce One gift from Qatar is going to cost about a billion to renovate. No biggie, since a new one would have cost about 5 billion. The rub is that the Trump Administration is (well, at this point, was) trying to hide the expense. Business (under the table) as usual for this crew.

 

Lashing out is perhaps the weakest of defensive moves. An argument that begins, “You didn’t put the cap back on the toothpaste,” to which is replied, “Well, you hung your bathrobe on the wrong peg,” is an argument that is doomed from the start. The toothpaste cap villain, rather than declaring innocence or admitting guilt, or even claiming ignorance, which might allow for elucidation and correction, attempts to deflect the accusation. The underlying issue is ignored, and the presumed point that is being argued, the toothpaste cap, soon disappears in a litany of general grievances. The toothpaste cap remains loose on the bathroom sink. The issue remains unresolved. Donald Trump is, or course, the toothpaste cap villain writ large. His life is a string of unreturned toothpaste caps, to which he inevitably responds Crooked Hillary, Kenyan birth certificate, EVIL anti-American, Sleepy Joe’s autopen, overrated actress, etc., etc., etc. In addition to these attempted deflections, he adds pe...

To win the hearts and minds of the Brazilians, the Chinese have offered to build railroads, while Trump has offered to build punishing tariffs unless they drop the charges against his fellow grifter Jair Bolsonaro. Shockingly, this has done wonders to raise the political prospects of Bolsonaro’s political opponent, Lula da Silva, the current Brazilian president, and is a pretty good bet to get the girl from Ipanema a quicker ride to the sea in a comfortable new railroad car.   Take that, China!

 We spoke too soon.  Now only the Brave Little M&M remains defiant.

The convicted felon impeached in 2021 for incitement of insurrection has been busy this week trying to prove to everyone that “there’s nothing to see here.” He’s accused all the usual suspects, i.e., Democrats going back to Andrew Jackson, of everything from treason to farting in the White House pool, and he’s apparently decided to add Dr. King to his ever growing enemies list. (Move over, Rosie O’Donnell.) To quote Al Sharpton, “Trump releasing the MLK assassination files is not about transparency or justice. It’s a desperate attempt to distract people from the firestorm engulfing Trump over the Epstein files and the public unraveling of his credibility among the MAGA base.” We here at ConstiToonies HQ, ever the rosy-eyed optimists, had gone into this believing that, indeed, there probably was nothing to see here, but we are starting to believe that the prexy doth protest too much. After all, suing the WSJ for $10 billion for, get this, harming his reputation, has to be the brick that...

Those of a certain age—like Donald Trump—were born into a world where all Coca-Cola was sweetened with cane sugar. In the ensuing 8 decades, we have had the replacement of cane sugar with high-fructose corn syrup, and the introduction of low- and no-calorie Cokes, using various combinations of saccharin and aspartame and acesulfame potassium (and don’t even get us started on stevia and sucralose). Trump allegedly drinks a dozen (hardly healthful) Diet Cokes a day, so once again his desire to make the rules when he doesn’t play the game is, at the very least, annoying. F or both the sakes of MAGA and MAHA, h e has told Coke to go back to cane sugar, just like the good old days (and, coincidentally, just like Mexico, one of the USA’s archenemies). Trump claims that Coke has subsequently bent the knee, whereas Coke has claimed, well, not much of anything. Typical. For the record, C₁₂H₂₂O₁₁ and C₆H₁₂O₆ are roughly as similar chemically as their formulas would suggest, one being a disaccha...

  A Truth [sic] Social post from yesterday: “The Washington ‘Whatever’s’ should IMMEDIATELY change their name back to the Washington Redskins Football Team. There is a big clamoring for this.”   This raises a couple of questions. First of all, doesn’t Trump have, you know, enough actual presidential work to keep him busy? And second, we here at ConstiToonies HQ, a hotbed of random whininess, haven’t heard even the slightest hint of these big clamorings, so where is all this alleged racket coming from? Trump is also going after the Cleveland Guardians, nee Indians. We do have our own feeling that Guardians sounds a little, well, defensive, as compared to Commanders, which implies In Charge of the Ball at All Times. On the other hand, we would’t object to making it the Cleveland Guardians of the Galaxy. We can hear the cheer from the stands even now: “Ooga-Chaka Ooga-Ooga / Ooga-Chaka Ooga-Ooga / Ooga-Chaka Ooga-Ooga / Ooga-Chaka Ooga-Ooga.” Football season must be just aroun...

GrabAGun, your online source of 5.56 mm, lightweight, air-cooled, magazine-fed, shoulder-fired AR-15s (which despite appearances are merely semiautomatic), the American Tactical Omni Hybrid Maxx Battle Field Green 5.56 / .223 Rem 7.5" Barrel 60-Rounds (apparently intended for deer hunters suddenly surrounded by 60 wild bucks), and discount Walther PPKs (just like James Bond, who I hesitantly point out is not a real person), just went public. And immediately tanked (no pun intended). This would not be newsworthy aside from the fact that this is DJT-Jr’s latest anti-woke venture, and we here at ConstiToonies HQ, who seldom find ourselves in need of a readily available online firearm, think it couldn’t happen to a more deserving [expletive deleted]. Meanwhile...

To quote Boing Boing, “Trump went to Pennsylvania earlier this week and told a crowd that his late uncle John, a legendary MIT professor, once said to him that the Unabomber ‘was seriously good at correcting people.’ The only problem: John Trump died in 1985, Kaczynski wasn't unmasked until 1996, and — perhaps most inconvenient of all — Kaczynski never went to MIT.” Otherwise, we guess it was all true.  Meanwhile, we here at ConstiToonies HQ were having trouble figuring out how the non-existent Epstein papers, whatever they are, could be released, or not released, or whatever they’re going to do with them, until Trump claimed they were the handiwork of none other than “Crooked Hillary.” We haven’t heard the former Secretary of State blamed for anything in quite a while, and it made us feel slightly nostalgic. Obviously Donnie is rolling out the big guns in preparation for whatever the Epstein papers, if they exist, actually say, if they say anything at all, or not, or whatever the...

Returning to ConstiToonies HQ to find it in a total shambles (or at the very least a partial shambles) will serve as a future warning to our team not to turn our eyes away even for the slightest moment from the country our Chief Executive has described as fat, bloated, and disgusting. These couple of weeks were not enough for him (or is it Him?) to make it Great Again, although apparently neither were the 4 years he (He?) served as 45 with the same promise (or is it threat?). Make America Wear Ball Caps With Business Suits is about as far as it has gone. MAWBCWBS? We are not alone in our near-despair over current events. Apparently the clown community—and yes, there is a clown community—is up in arms over people referring to politicians as, well, clowns. It demeans real clowns. (For more on this, google Bibbledy Bob the Clown). In any case, onwards!

 

Still reeling with delight from our trip to Venice for the big wedding, the staff at constitoonies.blogspot.com will be taking some time off starting tomorrow. We trust that the Trump administration will do nothing 1) stupid, 2) illegal, 3) unconstitutional, 4) greedy, or 5) patently dishonest during our hiatus.