ConstiToonies

If you want to make a child happy, take them to Disney World and get them duded up as a princess or a pirate. In their minds they are not dressing up; they really are a princess or a pirate. All it takes is a tiara or a bandana, a wand or a sword, and there you are: A happy child.   World leaders and business moguls have learned a similar lesson with the man of wealth and taste, and the South Koreans exemplified it perfectly by giving the little king a (replica) crown. And when it was time to sit down for dinner, they served him the traditional Korean cuisine of beef patties with ketchup and brownies decorated “with the color of gold that President Trump favors,” which is, we here at ConstiToonies HQ imagine, the Trumpian equivalent of a Mickey ice cream bar on a hot day in Orlando. In return, Donny Dementia lit up like a little princess in her Elsa finery, and promised to make North and South best buds again.  On the same trip, of course, he also announced renewed nuclear ...

The ConstiToonies Environmental Protection Department reports that the man of wealth and taste is going to start up a bit of oil drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. Our EPD tells us this is one of the last large tracts of wilderness in the country, so of course the present administration would set about deflowering it. After all, isn’t that what they’re all about? And if you were wondering, the rubble from the East Wing is presently being dumped at a nearby golf course where apparently it’s going to be used for creating new sand traps and beverage carts. If they run out of room on the fourteenth hole, they can always trek the rest of the debris up to Alaska. Who’s going to notice?  

Despair not, America. While Trump Mobile has yet to introduce its genuine made-in-America iPhone-killing TrumpiePhone, they are offering refurbished iPhone 14s at a truly startling price of only $489. We know that this is not part of the official Trump organization, except that little Donny Junior did appear at the TrumpiePhone premature ejaculation launch, so one way or the other we figure the master builder and his clan will somehow make the odd buck out of it. What else is new? By the way, the same iPhone 14 is available on Amazon for $335, but magabros (pronounced ma-GAH-broes) know a bargain when they see one.

We here at ConstiToonies HQ love a headline like the one in today’s NY Times:”Trump’s China Deal May Avert a Crisis of His Own Making.” Could the man of wealth and taste’s trip to Asia begin to clean up the mess he’s been making around the world with his, shall we say, unique and personal world view? Then again, he has plenty of time to fix things; his third term won’t run out until 2032. Unless, of course, he pulls an FDR. Eleven More Years! Eleven More Years! "May God bless and keep the Czar / Far away from us."

Nine-time Oscar nominee—and two-time winner—Robert Di Nero, commented publicly on the No Kings protests: “The original No Kings protest was 250 years ago.” The colonists fought to gain America's freedom, he said, and now Trump wants to end their Democracy. “We are rising up again this time, nonviolently raising our voices to declare No Kings.”   Deputy White House Chief of Staff Stephen Miller responded with ad hominem Trumpianism: “Robert De Niro is a sad, broken old man who is mostly enraged because he hasn't made anything worth watching in at least 30 years. Probably the longest string of flops, failures, embarrassments. This man has been degrading himself on camera with one horrific film after another for my entire adult life and he is not taken seriously by anybody. Not by his family, friends, community. He is a shell of a man and everybody disregards everything he says.” ConstiToonies would suggest that Miller, apparently not much of a film buff, catch a screening of Kil...

Good news! The man of wealth and taste has declared a cease fire with America’s greatest enemy: San Francisco. The overwhelmingly Harris city in the remarkably Harris state has been graciously allowed to exist just a little longer, despite not taking the knee to the Master Builder. We here at ConstiToonies HQ can only wonder how long this fragile peace can last.

There have been a handful of major renovations at the White House over the years. Most recently, good old Harry Truman gutted and rebuilt the innards of the place. Then again, HST was a terrorist antifa Democrat, so maybe that’s not the best precedent to cite. According to the ConstiToonies Research Department, only the British in 1814 actually managed to wantonly destroy any of it. Until now. The man of wealth and taste did promise that construction wouldn’t “interfere with the current building,” so at least there was that, until the wrecking ball hit. And he likes to point out that he’s paying for it all himself, except for the protection money he’s extorting from all those various corporations. Having already turned the Rose Garden into an outdoor fast-food seating area—although he gives credit to his immigrant wife for that one—we will soon have Trump Tower Junior rising over Washington. So it goes. On the bright side, we understand that the building plans will be sent in for appro...

The ConstiToonies HQ staff often takes on the responsibilities that we feel are too onerous for the general public. Watching King Trump’s video of himself dropping sewage on Saturday’s protestors is one such responsibility. We have watched it so that you don’t have to. In a word, it’s worse than you can possibly imagine, and our advice is to find your friendly neighborhood influencer and watch them instead.  

We here at ConstiToonies HQ are glad to hear that the Federal Government, AKA the people who are in the midst of a general shutdown combined with a layoff jamboree, have plenty of time despite their woes to attack NYC’s plans to add a bus lane to busy 34th Street, which goes east-west across Manhattan. Other similar bus lanes have proven effective in speeding up traffic and minimizing accidents, which we guess makes them into some sort of Democrat commie antifa plot to make America ungreat again. We know that the man of wealth and taste hates NYC, pretty much in direct proportion to how much NYC hates the man of wealth and taste; after all, they know him the best. This is just another example of one of his undying vendettas: “You don’t love me? Then I’ll get you, and your little buses too!” Most old people, when they retire to Florida from New York, put their city pasts behind them. Sadly, when Trump went to Florida, he didn’t retire, and his venom against his old home town knows no en...

Things are really humming with the team all back at ConstiToonies HQ after a refreshing two weeks’ vacation. For a little while none of us gave even a thought to life in these United States, except for the handful of us waiting on endless lines for the skeleton crew at airport immigration to let us back in to partake of it. The one exception was Hank, our security guard, who kept the premises safe in our absence. With little to do but roam the empty hallways and occasionally flick a light or two on and off, Hank mostly sat at the front security desk signing for packages and following the news online. To help us get back into the flow, he provided us with the following memo. Hey, guys. Hank here. Thought you might be interested in what you missed while you were away, so I made a list: ·        China promised to reduce greenhouse gas emissions. We didn’t. ·        Florida is giving Trump a $200 million plot of land for his future...

Despite all that’s going on in the world, or perhaps because of it, ConstiToonies is going on hiatus for a couple of weeks. The offices will be going dim, and nobody will be scouring the news to find the entertaining little tidbits of how we’re blithely going to hell in a hand basket. We’ll miss things like Trump calling out David Letterman (whose ratings, the man of wealth and taste points out, were never very good and who looks like hell) as a highly overrated LOSER!!! in all caps and three exclamation points. Poor Letterman, just sitting around minding his own business, growing his beard and enjoying his partial retirement, and all of a sudden he gets attacked from the grammar school playground (AKA the White House) with all sorts of infantile name calling. And then there’s Trump wishing the press corps on Air Force One a safe flight, but then pointing out that he says it only because he’s on the flight with them. "Otherwise I wouldn't care." Yeah, he really said that....

Skimming our notes from the last few days: The Defense Department—newly renamed FAFO Central—now demands that Pentagon reporters only publish what press officers approve. We’re not talking classified information, just stuff Pete Megadeath & Co don’t want aired in public. Okay. Free press and all that? Who needs it? In other MAGA news, Ted Cruz pleaded: “Let’s stop attacking pedophiles.” Although we know he didn’t mean it—words do not come easy to this graduate of Princeton and the Harvard Law School, as well as the author of four books—we are awfully glad he said it. Meanwhile, America's answer to Mother Teresa, JD Vance, said: “"There's a lot of emergency healthcare at hospitals that are provided to illegal aliens. That was funded by the federal government. We turned off that funding because of course we want American citizens to benefit from those hospital services, not to be taxed and then have those hospital services go to illegal aliens." In other words, n...

Pete Megadeath, Secretary of the newly named Department of Fussin’ and Fightin’, called in the brass from around the world this week to show them all the dust on his boots. It costs a bunch of millions of dollars and took the generals away from their real work, but it had to be done. I mean, listen: “No more beards, long hair, superficial, individual expression.” This is the army, Mr. Jones. “We’re going to cut our hair, shave, shave our beards and adhere to standards.” He also told them to drop down and give him twenty. “Frankly, it’s tiring to look out at combat formations, or really any formation, and see fat troops,” he said. “Likewise, it’s completely unacceptable to see fat generals and admirals in the halls of the Pentagon.” We here at ConstiToonies hate to see our fat generals and admirals trying to squeeze by one another in those narrow Pentagon hallways, getting their beards all tangled together. On the other hand, Pistol Pete has softened his position on women, whom he form...