ConstiToonies

 

Let’s see. Anything of note happening while we’re waiting for the No Peace Prize President to bomb Iran? FLOTUS will be chairing a meeting of the UN Security Council. Who knew stiletto heels were such an international issue?   The man of wealth and taste does not like the official portrait of him painted during his first term. He wants something that summarizes both his terms. The original artist has responded by dying in 2022. Pete Megadeath, the cabinet member in charge of the department of Hootin’ and Hollerin’, wants to ban tuition assistance for military officers who want to go to schools Megadeath doesn’t like. For instance, Harvard. We do, however, understand that generals interested in advancing their educations will be welcome at Trump University if it ever reopens.   Speaking of congressional confirmations (see below), Jeremy Carl, President Trump’s nominee for a senior State Department post, didn’t seem able to explain his theories of the threat to whiteness, ...

Since we doubt if you had the stomach to watch last night’s state of the union speech—its official title was “Best President Ever (In Any Country Anywhere)"—we offer the high points here.  The man of wealth and taste explained how, through the use of pointless wars, both shooting and trade, he plans to finally acquire his overdue Nobel Peace Prize. If necessary, he will nuke Greenland, Venezuela, Iraq, and Minneapolis back to the Stone Age to get it. While insisting that everything under his administration is cheaper, better made, and more readily available than under that Great American Traitor and Muttonhead Joe Biden, he did manage to blame the un-American Democrat Terrorist LOSER Party as the reason everything seems to look more expensive. He railed against the seditious anti-Trump mainstream media SEX CRIMINALS who do not report his inherent wonderfulness 24/7, suggesting that all of them should be immediately separated from their naughty bits. As for the Formerly Faith...

Since today the man of w & t will be busy writing his speech for tonight, from which he will no doubt ramble off into God knows where, today will probably be a slow news day all around. But to catch up a bit on recent federal doings, our man in scrubs, Dr. Oz, has suggested solving the problem of lack of doctors in rural areas by replacing the sparse humans with AI. We suggest asking the AI on your device a question about anything, and then ask yourself, do you want that AI giving you your next colonoscopy? And then there’s a report that Trump’s third-country deportations cost $133,000 a pop. Chump change, we guess. Trump change? And now that Venezuela is our 51st state, we’ve cut off oil supplies to Cuba, which desperately needs the stuff—take that, Fidel! The UN has condemned us for this, but who cares about the UN when we’ve now got the Trump Board of War Peace to run the world? And finally, because we respect our readers too much, we will not report on the latest from Junior a...

The man of wealth and taste has been raising quite the ruckus on the environmental front lately. He’s eliminated the government’s role in controlling greenhouse gas emissions in one of those theoretical power grabs that says the EPA shouldn’t have done it in the first place but in reality is just one more bloody stupid thing these people have come up with. At the same time, the Federal Judicial Center no longer advises judges on climate change because the scientific fact that it is affected by human actions is a “preferred view.” For the record, we here at ConstiToonies HQ have always preferred the view that the sun rises in the west, so any mention of it rising in, say, the south, will in the future be redacted from our posts. On top of all that, the Washington Coal Club—now there’s a club we wouldn’t want to belong to if they would have us as a member (with apologies to G. Marx)—awarded Trump a trophy as the “Undisputed Champion of Clean, Beautiful Coal.” In response, himself ordered...

 

Not much new to report on the Homefront. A Bush-appointed judge ordered the slavery displays back into Washington’s house. The Pope has no interest in attending the what man of wealth and taste calls the Board of Peace, based on His Holiness’s idea that we already have this little operation called the United Nations. And—this will not surprise anyone—the new Air Force One will be painted red, white, and blue. Oh, and gold. Let’s face it: The MOW&T makes Auric Goldfinger look like quite the piker.    

  FYI:  Republicans have received 89% of the coal industry's campaign contributions going back to 2012.  The oil and gas industry alone funneled over $151 million in outside spending and $67 million in direct candidate donations — totaling over $219 million spent to influence the 2024 election, with 88% going to Republicans. Nearly $23 million went directly to Trump's campaign and PACs supporting him.

This was a headline in today’s New York Times : “Trump’s Relentless Self-Promotion Fosters an American Cult of Personality.” I was never a journalism student myself, so I guess I missed that class where they covered belaboring the obvious. The latest here, of course, is the man of wealth and taste going for putting the Trump sign over Dulles Airport and Penn Station. Ordinarily one accomplishes great things in one’s life and, after passing, the populace honors you by giving your name to various sorts of monuments. The M of W & T, perhaps knowing that this sure ain’t a-gonna happen, is doing the job himself.   Other items of recent note: The Trump Administration is removing signs in a Philadelphia house that point out that George Washington was a slaveholder. Removing any mention of Washington’s slaveholding status will, apparently, make him not a slaveholder. That clears that little mess up. After solving racism, the Administration went after the LGBT community and took down th...

Some more stories which we will let pass un-ConstiToonied: “As Diplomats Talk, Pentagon Prepares for Possible War With Iran.” (NY Times 2/14) Another plank for the Nobel Peace Prize platform?   “The Military Religious Freedom Foundation has warned that thousands of active-duty military personnel may have been coerced into attending screenings of the Melania documentary.” ( Rawstory.com ) We don’t know if we believe this or not. On the other hand, watching FLOTUS fluff has to beat going to war with Iran by quite a bit.   When asked if he would accept upcoming election results, the man of wealth and taste replied: ““I will, if the elections are honest. Look, I — the last one that wants to complain.” Let me run that by you again. Donald Trump says he’s the last one who wants to complain about elections. No, this is not a hoax. We are not making this stuff up.    

Fortunately for America, the protection of Air Force One is in the right hands. The man of wealth and taste has asserted that he never sleeps on the plane, as he is always keeping an eye out for enemy missiles. What he would do if he actually saw an enemy missile is unclear, but at least the reporters and aides in the back of the plane can sleep soundly knowing that the demigod in the front of the plane is keeping his unending vigil. 

Every weekday we here at ConstiToonies HQ pick something to satirize in our comic. But at the same time, every weekday we collect enough fodder for twenty comics. We hate to let these go by, so here’s a couple you can look up for yourself and make your own comics.   On the fashion front, RFK, Jr., AKA The Butcher of Washington, always wears extra-skinny ties from a company that specializes in extra skinny ties. Meanwhile, Disney executives are predicting fewer international WDW visitors because the odds are 50-50 they’ll end up in the Magic Kingdom or an ICE holding cell. Greenland, which has one Asian-inspired restaurant (apparently all those Chinese invaders are suffering through the local blubber specialities), a restaurant accused of having hairs in their soup, by the way—we studiously follow Greenlandic Yelp here at CHQ—has its natives and Danish compatriots wearing “Nu det NU UK!” Hats, which liberally translates as MAGA—Make America Go Away. And it’s a good idea if you’re lo...

 

There are those among us, completely lacking in the ability to speak Spanish, who nevertheless nestled right into Bad Bunny’s set at the Super Bowl. If nothing else, we here at ConstiToonies HQ were lusting after a nice cool piragua on a warm island afternoon. Some people, of course, felt otherwise.

 

 

 

We admit failure. We thought we could move away from ConstiToonies and live our life in comparative peace and quiet, but the situation in the US is now so bizarre that we simply cannot continue to ignore it.  We didn't last long: a couple of months.  [Sigh.]