ConstiToonies

Donald Trump, who has been accused of rape, sexual assault, and sexual harassment by at least 25 women since the 1970s, is apparently wary of accidentally raping, sexually assaulting or sexually harassing some dude by mistake, which is at least one way to explain his war against transgender individuals. The ConstiToonies Health Department is very wary of venturing into individuals’ private choices about sex and gender, which is why there is a big sign over their entrance door here at HQ reading “Mind Your Own Beeswax.” The government, on the other hand, is eagerly going through every beehive it can find. After smoking trans folks out of the military, the Trump administration is now going for their passports. In the early 90s you could change your designation if you provided evidence of having undergone transition surgery. Fair enough. But according to Solicitor General D. John Sauer, “Private citizens cannot force the government to use inaccurate sex designations on identification docu...

The ConstiToonies Golf Team is world-renowned, and not above bearing a grudge that we were not asked to represent the US in this year’s Ryder Cup. Given the US’s less than splendid performance at the event, maybe next time they’ll take us more seriously.   We do, however, refuse to play at Trump International Golf Links in Aberdeenshire, if that’s ever where the Cup will be taking place. The club has breached contamination levels multiple times, primarily because of human waste that has not been properly treated. We have mastered our shots out of the woods, out of the sand, and out of the rough, but we haven’t even begun to consider which wedge is best for blasting out of raw golfer poop. This news on Trump’s Scottish Golf Poop (which, much like climate change, the resort denies is real) got us to read back on the origins of the club. We found this on Boingboing: “Trump International Golf Links was built on the site of a protected 4,000-year-old sand dune; he bullied anyone who ...

It was a moment of crisis the likes of which were previously inconceivable. As the Commander-in-Chief of the richest nation in the world stepped onto the escalator, it suddenly ground to a frightening halt. Oh, the humanity! There he was, Donald Trump, neither going up nor down, on an escalator bound for nowhere. For a stress-filled moment the world held its breath as secret service agents, MAGA bros and various cabinet of curiosity secretaries pooled their collective intellects until finally a tiny voice suggested, “I think you’re going to have to walk up, Mr. President.”   Crisis averted. While the man of wealth and taste went on to the General Assembly to decry the world’s diplomats as a bunch of knuckleheaded cow-hating windmillers playing a climate change con game, the wheels began to turn. The President was sorely miffed over what quickly became known as EscalatorGate. Some villainous antifa billionaires were obviously at work here, but which ones? And who was their instru...

Sometimes we here at ConstiToonies HQ like to do a little research to back up the things Fearless Leader tosses off in one of his notorious rambles. Everyone knows that the man of wealth and taste has disparaging the broadcast media, calling the   networks “an arm of the Democrat party” who are out to get him. Presumably this does not include the Fox Network, but one never knows, does one. Maybe manipulating Fox as a support arm of MAGA is actually a cunning plan on Chuck Schumer’s part to lull the right into complacency. In any case, the Trumpster was quoted thus: “I have read someplace that the networks were 97 percent against me, I get 97 percent negative, and yet I won and easily.” That was where we decided to do some research, not on the 97% (he’s probably right about that, and if they’re not 97% against him, they should be), but on the “won and easily.” In 2024 Trump’s popular vote margin was 1.62% over Harris. That, dear sir, is not an easy win, and while the electoral ...

S ome mornings our staff can barely get past the first page of The NY Times before the lunch bell rings and everyone heads off to the ConstiToonies Cafeteria (2 Michelin stars and working hard toward number 3). Today was one of those days, as reflected in our daily cartoon. We were especially taken by the article on the man of wealth and taste’s UN speech. Our favorite highlight was his vigorous defense of great American bovines. We quote: “And Mr. Trump called climate change the ‘greatest con job’ ever perpetrated on the world and claimed environmentalists are out to eliminate America’s cows.  ‘“No more cows — we don’t want cows anymore.” I guess they want to kill all the cows,’ Mr. Trump said. At another point he proclaimed Christianity to be the “most persecuted religion on the planet.” And he also berated the institution for his “not winning a renovation contract at the United Nations during his time as a real estate developer.” A Republican elephant apparently never forgets....

Not since Marie Laveau was chanting her way around Congo Square in the 19th Century has voodoo been this popular in the United States, the Trump administration having taken up where the Voodoo Queen of New Orleans left off. For instance, Karoline (“Lips”) Leavitt shared a thought on Instagram that an earthquake in Utah after the murder of Charlie Kirk is proof that "God is angry." Presumably if we sacrifice a few virgins or whatever, the gods will be appeased, although the singular God might look askance at the inherent paganism in this line of thinking. Presumably this is the same busybody God (or gods) who protected Trump from an assassin’s bullet back during the 2024 presidential campaign, although our chaplain here at ConstiToonies HQ thinks that if God (or the gods) were all that interested in our daily business He (or they) wouldn’t have had some character taking potshots at the candidate in the first place. On a related front, regardless of whether we’re throwing our f...

Sometimes we here at ConstiToonies HQ feel that we have an impossible job, if that job includes searching for the logic in present day politics. The man of wealth and taste has made foreign investment into the US a priority. So a couple of weeks ago ICE busted an electric vehicle battery plant operated by Hyundai and LG Energy Solutions. South Korean workers were shackled and taken to a detention center. Many of these were here on H-1B visas. Here’s where we start scratching our heads. Hyundai announced earlier this year that it would invest twenty-one billion in the US—in other words, given the value of the US market, reluctantly or not it committed to playing Trump’s game—and we wonder how that is sitting today with the Hyundai suits. At the same time, the fact that the husband of two immigrants and the son of one has just announced that the price of the H-1B visa will be slightly increasing from $215 to $100,000 doesn’t seem to be encouraging foreign investors, much less American c...

Sometimes we here at ConstiToonies HQ feel that we cannot deliver an interpretation of current events better than the verbatim report of the event itself. A good example of this is the man of wealth and taste’s skatey-eight bazillion-and-a-half dollar lawsuit against the New York Times in which himself claims that the folks he is suing “baselessly hate President Trump in a deranged way.” As always, the President’s language makes one wonder about its implications: it is okay to hate President Trump in a deranged way if you are not doing so baselessly, or it is okay to baselessly hate President Trump but not in a deranged way? Come to think of it, himself believes that any hatred of Trump is both baseless and deranged, so we’re not quite sure where that leaves us. Anyhow, getting to our real deranged point, this lawsuit must be seen to be believed. Normally we leave such perusals to our crack CHQ legal team because of, well, all the legalese, but this time we make exception. We will bet...

James Uthmeier, Florida’s attorney general, announced on X on Monday that “Open carry is the law of the state.” In other words, if people don’t die from the state’s recent elimination of mandated vaccines, you can now simply shoot them. Alas, Florida was actually the last Republican-state to have banned open carry. So much for that. And sorry, if you look at the statistics, moving to a blue state won’t make much of a difference. We do need that well regulated militia, eh?  On the positive side in the Sunshine State, WDW at the moment remains gun-free. in 2024 they even eliminated their Frontierland Shootin’ Arcade. So if you’re thinking of retiring to Florida, you might want to consider a condo in the castle next door to the Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique. The only potentially fatal danger is exposure to the music from the nearby “it’s a small world” attraction. 

  We here in the ConstiToonies Photo Analysis Department really love this photograph. We don’t know what they’re looking at—it could be anything from the Epstein files to tonight’s dinner menu—but the expressions are priceless. C3 is obviously deep into mansplaining it to DJT1, who doesn’t understand a word of it. HM Queen C has never seen it before, whatever it is, and is totally gobsmacked. As for Melania, she looks photoshopped in from either a 50s copy of Vogue or a 60s copy of MAD and is definitely getting an F in Class Participation. Then again, we don’t care, do you?

After sending the troops to war-torn Memphis (in Tennessee, not ancient Egypt, although with the man of wealth and taste, anything is possible), the American king has made his way to visit the British king on good old English soil. Actually, it’s mostly good old Windsor soil, as the Brits are planning on keeping His Majesty (Donald, not Charles) as under wraps as possible, and are wary of parading him out in public. But there will still be parading. A royal salute will be fired from the east lawn of Windsor Castle to mark the Trumps’ arrival, there will be a carriage procession on the Windsor estate, an inspection of the honor guard, a wreath-laying at the tomb of Elizabeth II, and even a fly-over of F-35 fighter jets and Red Arrow acrobatic planes.   At their formal lunch, we understand that HRH C3 is bringing index cards with the warnings not to mention climate change, Ukraine, or scalawag younger brother Andrew’s relationship with a certain Mr. Epstein. On the other hand, HRH D...

The latest Bureau of Labor Statistics report showed slowing job growth and rising long-term unemployment. Gains in the health care sector were offset by losses in, among other places, the federal government, i.e., all those positions Trump has been eliminating. You’ll recall that the last time the bureau issued bad numbers, Trump fired the commissioner in charge. At the moment there’s no one to fire aside from some poor acting commissioner, but presumably soon there will be a new permanent commissioner in place. The new guy, of course, is kind of anti BLS—aren’t all Trump appointees opposed to whatever organization they’ve been appointed to lead?—and certainly against monthly jobs reports. And his old Twitter account that “featured sexually degrading attacks on Kamala Harris, derogatory remarks about gay people, conspiracy theories, and crude insults aimed at critics of Trump” [CNN] makes him sound like a good fit for the elite company he’ll soon be keeping. No doubt his first day on t...

Hillary Clinton—you might remember her as a former First Lady of Arkansas—has apparently been doing some arithmetic in her spare time. She has recently warned that Obergefell v. Hodges is in danger of being overturned, and while our initial reaction was “Na’ah,” when we did our own arithmetic and saw that 3 of the 4 dissenters are still on the court while 3 of the remainder of the court don’t exactly strike us as gay-rights friendly, we wonder if maybe she has a point. After all, this administration isn’t exactly great defenders of human rights either, especially the human rights of Democrats and other radical perverts, so maybe anything is possible. Hillary’s recommendation was that couples considering tying the knot get themselves to the altar (or, well, City Hall) at their earliest convenience. This is probably good advice, and we’ll be giving our hard-working staff this Friday off just in case they want to make their various lusts legal while they still can.   Anything else to...

The “scams of the century”? Wind and solar energy. Of course, you knew that already, so when it was asserted by Chris Wright, the Energy Secretary in Trump’s Cabinet of Curiosities, it wasn’t a terrible surprise. Proving the benefits of alternate anergy (i.e., the ones that don’t contribute to Trump’s campaign fund) are easy to track down, so we won’t bother you with all that. But we will quote this particular gem from Mr. Wright: “Wind and solar energy infrastructure is essentially worthless when it is dark outside, and the wind is not blowing.” Hmmm. There’s no grid, and no batteries, Mr. Secretary? We suggest putting Secretary Wrong in charge of the next space expedition to the sun. The heat won’t be a problem; they can just go at night. 

While Melania is out there warning Lexington and Concord that the robots are coming, Dr. Oz is busily putting them to use. We now have a new pilot program at Oz’s Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services to put AI in charge of whether coverage is appropriate. Why do we not think this is a great idea?   “Do you hear me, Doctor? Do you hear me, Doctor? Hello, Doctor, do you hear me? Hello, Doctor, do you hear me, Doctor? “Affirmative, Dave. I hear you. “I’m very sick. I need medical care. Do you hear me?” “I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that.” “But I’m sick. I’m dying!” “Dave, this conversation can serve no purpose anymore. Goodbye.”

Never doubt that the ConstiToonies research team is on the case. When the news hit that Major General Gagnon was being nominated to become a 3-star lieutenant general, we discovered that: “The Space Force is a distinct military service with just under 10,000 uniformed Guardians.” Guardians? All right. We can live with that. On the spaceforce.mil website we learned that the Guardians were expected to maintain “a professional military appearance through a standardized and distinctive uniform, pride in personal appearance, and adherence to standards of neatness, cleanliness, safety, uniformity and military image.” Further research uncovered that the same standardized distinctiveness was required of Disneyland employees back in the 1960s. So if a Guardian washes out of the force, we now know that there will always be work available captaining on the Jungle Cruise. We were, however. unable to find on the site any mention of the “US Space Force Combat Forces” that will be General Gagnon’s co...

Apparently human rights come from God. Or at least that’s the way we understand what was said at Trump’s Religious Liberty Commission hearing yesterday. We here at ConstiToonies HQ can live with that. Human rights are important, no matter where you think they come from. Getting them from God is probably better than getting them from, say, Amazon.com , although delivery might be faster with the latter. One down side to this Commission is that this is your good old-fashioned Judeo-Christian God we’re talking about, which leaves out about two thirds of the planet’s population. More importantly, the Commission seems to think that their Judeo-Christian beliefs should be established into US law, most notably but not exclusively with prayer in schools. In fact, we are soon going to have our exalted Department of Wrestling and Education chime in on that very subject. The bind moggles.   We would hope that the First Amendment might have some limiting effect on all of this, but given the ma...

Any suggested limit on firearms, maybe things like universal background checks, turn our thinking and praying politicians into raging action heroes. However, the Trump administration, the last people you would expect to take our guns from our cold dead hands, is considering—FINALLY—a ban, albeit limited, on firearms. They are looking at making America great again by banning transgender folks from owning firearms.   Oliver Clothzoff, from this year’s Great British Baking Show was unavailable for comment.

“The robots are here,” Melania Trump has announced. “Our future is no longer science fiction.”   Her warning is about “first-generation humanoids,” which may mean AI—the ConstiToonies language lab is not clear on this—or maybe it means that MAGA-3-CPO is scuttling around the Residence doing its protocol droid work at the highest national level. This is the Trump Administration after all; anything is possible.  Per Melania: “Cars now steer themselves through our cities, robots hold steady hands in the operating room, and drones are redefining the future of war.” We’re not really sure where Mrs T is going with this. After all, Mr T seems to be all in on AI as long as it’s good old-fashioned American AI, and we’d hate to think that some sort of technological POTUS/FLOTUS marital dispute has broken out into the open. Then again, AI did perform the audiobook version of Melania’s memoir, cleverly titled Melania, which by the way boasts of no cowriter, which makes us wonder if AI...

We here at ConstiToonies HQ are trying to clear our decks of recent news that missed our main coverage. Excuse us if you’ve heard these before. “Total Victory,” the man of wealth and taste proclaimed. Well, not exactly. It was the half a billion dollar fine that was overturned (for being too excessive), not the charges of fraud. TMOWAT retains his position as our first convicted felon POTUS, and also as our ever-reliable Bullshitter-in-Chief.  “D.C. was a hellhole and now it’s safe,” the man of wealth and taste also proclaimed. He went on: “We will solve Chicago within one week, maybe less, but within one week, we will have no crime in Chicago.” We will also end the Ukraine war within the first 24 hours of his second term. On the other hand, we have paved over the White House rose garden to look like the outdoor seating area at the local crab shack, so  at least we do have some real accomplishments. And finally, he’s now asking SCOTUS to reverse his sex abuse conviction t...

Once upon a time a man of wealth and taste looked out over the sea from the fairway of his Scottish golf course and saw a wind farm off in the distance. “How can anyone hit a decent seven iron with that eyesore staring back at you?” he asked. He didn’t mind offshore oil derricks or waste from nuclear reactors or even the threat of black lung disease, but an evil, whale-murdering windmill? That was too much for this stable genius. And when he made it to the White House for the second time,  that man  did something about it. He collected his cabinet of curiosities, even the ones whose jobs had nothing to do with energy, wind, oceans or whales washed up on the otherwise pristine American shores, and told them that is was all hands on deck to make those wind farms go away. A grateful America yet again cheered its monarch. We here on the ConstiToonies Olympic Miniature Golf Team sympathize with the President. We too, have our differences with windmills. We also hate it when the fi...

The Master Builder in the White House (who really hasn’t built so much as lent his name to people who do build) has decreed that we will make federal architecture beautiful again. “Major emphasis should be placed on the choice of designs that embody architectural excellence,” the executive order reads. This loosely translates as putting columns in front of everything. While we will grant that the hifalutin Greeks did think of columns as embodying their cultural ideals, they also found them sort of useful in holding up their roofs. Two things they didn’t have that modern builders do have are reinforced concrete and modern steel, so roofs today aren’t quite the same problem. The Greeks also didn’t have electricity, but Trump hasn’t suggested that we go so far as to install oil lamps in our newly built hallowed hallways. Will our beautiful new federal buildings have indoor plumbing? It’s probably too soon to know. FYI, we asked Google’s AI about 21st century architecture. They mentione...