ConstiToonies

"Lips" Leavitt: “I saw the comments of my predecessor, Ms. Psaki, and frankly I think they’re incredibly insensitive and disrespectful to the tens of millions of Americans of faith across this country who believe in the power of prayer, who believe that prayer works.”   Prayer works? The Trump administration, which has thoughts and prayers up the wazoo, cut funding in Minnesota for efforts to identify potential mass shooters and head off their violence a month before the shooter opened fire on the children in a church.  Pray all you want while not merely doing nothing about the problem but actually aggravating it? God is not happy. 

When he isn’t agonizing over the Cracker Barrel logo, polling his Cabinet of Curiosities about whether they should gild the ceiling of the cabinet room, or sending battle-scarred troops into war zones (AKA American cities in blue states) to arrest jaywalkers, the man of wealth and taste has been urging Republican governors to redistrict in order to guarantee a congressional majority. We here at ConstiToonies HQ remember a time not so long ago when you had to win elections to get into office. Now you just have to win redistricting arguments in the courts. (By the way, this I redistricting business is only legal for Republicans. When Democrats do it it’s undermining the very core of our democracy.) America. What a country!

Today’s Musk-scented quiz: 1 Why did Elon call his new venture Macrohard? A) Assmagazine, Sammouthedthewords and Coyoteconn didn’t come as trippingly on the tongue.  B) It’s his nickname for his naughty bits C) “The Trump Organization” was already taken 2 Ghislaine claims to have first met Elon at whose birthday party? A) Rosie (Public Enemy #1) O’Donnell B) Sergey (Born in Moscow) Brin C) Barack (Born in Kenya) Obama D) Crooked Hillary (Concocted in an underground meth lab somewhere) Clinton 3 Tesla’s Cyberbeast (i.e., that hideous looking truck) is now: A) Free for the asking in most countries B) A deathtrap, because when other drivers see it on the road they all want to kill themselves C) $114,990 cheap Answers:  1 - All of the above 2 - Probably B, but considering who made the claim, who knows? 3 - C, although answer B will also be accepted, and answer A is due any time now

About the recent televised Cabinet of Curiosities meeting, a combination Trump praise-a-thon and kindergarten show-and-tell, The NY Times printed the following: ‘You are going to save the whales,’ [said] Mr. Kennedy, who once sawed the head off a whale and drove it home.”   We cannot top that.

Even we here at the often cynical ConstiToonies HQ can recognize a tech bro in utero. “He can look at a computer,” said the man of wealth and taste about his youngest known offspring. "I'd try turning off his computer. I'd turn it off. I'd turn off his laptop. I said, ‘Oh good.' And I go back five minutes later, he's got his laptop on. I said, ‘How'd you do that?' 'None of your business, dad.' No, he's got an unbelievable aptitude in technology." We agree. It is those among us who know how to turn on a computer who will rule the world someday. 

“It is time to update the Government’s design language to be both usable and beautiful,” the man of wealth and taste just said in a (yet another) Executive Order, establishing an America by Design initiative meant to “improve comprehensively the visual presentation and usability of Federal services provided to the public in both digital and physical spaces.” Translated from the original Trumpedegook, this means gilding everything that isn’t nailed, and a few things that are. There will be a national design studio, led  apparently   by one of the founders of Airbnb. In a surprising move for this administration, the guy went to RISD and actually has a background in art. That should put the fear of god in the Cabinet of Curiosities, where the only qualification has been the lack of qualification.   Meanwhile, in a curious coincidence on the design front, according to X “The wait is almost over!” for the T1 Phone. That, you will recall, is the TrumpyPhone, made not in Americ...

One of our staff retirees, now on Medicare, dropped by recently to tell us that they had just gotten a government email with the headline: Stay healthy with Dr. Oz. “As if” was their succinct response.   At the same time, those of us still on the payroll have been enjoying the contretemps over the recommendations against vaccines from Professor Bobby’s Centers for Disease Control and Prevention—or Tinfoil Hat Central, as they are also known. The American Academy of Pediatrics, which actually know what they’re talking about,  released its own recommendations in favor of vaccines, including Covid-19 shots for infants and young children. In other words, it’s the anti-science conspiracy theorists versus the doctors, and all we can wonder is, Who you gonna call?

Back when Trump was campaigning, he said this: “We're gonna have tremendous goodies in the bag for women too. The women, between the fertilization and all the other things we're talking about, it's gonna be great. Fertilization. I'm still very proud of it, I don't care. I'll be known as the fertilization president and that's okay." For some reason, the man was, and still is, all in on IVF. Now, however, he has to face the RRM people—restorative reproductive medicine—who claim that if you want to fill the house with Great American babies you just have to live more right than you already do. Since the legitimate medical community tells people to eat, drink and be as merry as monkeys in a monkey tree and then just come in tomorrow and we’ll iVF you up and in nine months—   Well, there’s an IVF report coming out shortly. On what side of yet another issue about which he knows nothing will our Dear Leader fall? It will be interesting to see how this plays ou...

The headline in The NY Times reads: “Deportation of 6-Year-Old Puts Spotlight on ICE’s Detention of Families.” The girl and her mother were shipped to Ecuador, leaving behind a couple of other kids. If this news stirs you to action, you’ll be happy to know that ICE is hiring 10,000 new agents, with no age limits and all kinds of great benefits including signing bonuses and a great retirement plan. We’re axing educators and scientists left and right, but thank God—Trump’s personal buddy on high—we’re kicking up the number of jackbooted thugs and therefore, perhaps needless to say, making America…something…again.

Assuming that the White House did just that for the First Lady, we here at ConstiToonies HQ asked our own in-house AI to compose a letter from Melania to Olena. Not a single word of the following is of our own making.   Dear Mrs. Zelensky, I simply had to write to you, dearest Olena, after seeing your latest remarks about protecting children during conflict. Your compassion is so moving—truly, you are the Florence Nightingale of Eastern Europe, but with better shoes. It’s rare to see a First Lady speak so eloquently about the importance of shielding the innocent. Your concern for the little ones—those wide-eyed symbols of hope—is nothing short of inspirational. I often say that behind every great man is a woman quietly reminding him not to bomb the playground. Speaking of restraint, I must say my husband has always had a soft spot for children. He hardly ever kills them—if he can help it, of course. It’s one of his most underrated qualities. While others may get swept up in ...

We apologize for the rambling nature of what follows, but the teletype’s been clicking nonstop at ConstiToonies HQ these last few days, and we’ve been barely able to sort out the following.  Apparently the first thing Putin did when he landed in Alaska was look around covetously, wondering he could get this former Russian territory back as part of the land grab in Ukraine. Then his BFF Donnie came bounding down the red carpet to greet him, presenting him with a “Vlad + Don = 4Ever” friendship bracelet, and after a lot of pointless chitchat the two men held a joint press conference to announce, uh, nothing, except maybe that Vlad could have whatever he wanted as long as he kept Alaska out of bargaining. Deal or no deal? Who knew? Certainly not Zelensky, who called up his Euro buds to back him on his trip a few days later to D.C. Volodymyr, armed with a letter from his wife to Trump's wife and a ceremonial golf club, did pretty well overall. Not only did Trump not throw Ukraine to t...

“I am going to lead a movement to get rid of MAIL-IN BALLOTS.”  Just as an aside, sometimes we feel like we’re missing something with Trump’s use of all-caps, much like we feel that we’re missing something with the use of boldface in  Mary Worth comic strips—we just can’t figure out the why of them, as they don’t always emphasize anything worth emphasizing. ( Mary Worth, by the way, is ConstiToonies’ recommended reading when you can’t take another word about Donald Trump.)   “We are now the only Country in the World that uses Mail-In Voting.”  Just as an aside, there are over 30 countries that allow mail-in voting, but they’re probably on Trump’s list of shithole countries, so they don’t count.  And just as another aside, sometimes we also feel like we’re missing something with Trump’s use of random capitalization. Maybe it has something to do with his German heritage, as that language does similarly capitalize words at the drop of a hat. “ It’s impossible...

Having been admonished in the past for his war-mongering, Zelensky is approaching this latest White House meeting in the company of some jackbooted NATO thugs like Macron and Starmer to make sure things stay on the rails. We’re surprised Trump hasn’t rallied some jackbooted thugs of his own in response. We gather Kim Jong Un is free this week and always eager to support a fellow Supreme Ruler. A missed opportunity on Trump’s part, if you ask us.

From the 8/17 NY Times: “Trump Bows to Putin’s Approach on Ukraine: No Cease-Fire, Deadlines or Sanctions.” We here at ConstiToonies HQ are shocked—SHOCKED!

We here at ConstiToonies HQ usually have our ears to the ground, our eyes on the ball, and our noses to the grindstone, but we have to admit that we were unaware of 45/47’s official “eyes and ears” in Hollywood, namely, Rocky Sly Rambo, Joe Buck, and Oscar winner Mel Gibson (the Israeli people’s choice). This was brought to our attention when the man of wealth and taste announced the next Kennedy Center honorees. Apparently the award recipients are his own personal picks after he spent countless hours eliminating the “wokesters” from the contenders. (Our Commander-in-Chief is one busy man.) The self-described “king of ratings” will be hosting the event at the venue that has previously run a “Marxist anti-police performance” and “lesbian-only Shakespeare.” As for the latter, we would have thought the President would be all in on a girl-on-girl Titus Andronicus , but what do we know? Himself perhaps might even be emceeing the evening. Those who fear that the event will sully the venue ev...

It’s been a long time since we sat around the ConstiToonies campfire singing “Sister Susie's Sewing Shirts for Soldiers,” but, patriots that we are, we totally support our brave lads—in Trump’s America, it’s definitely lads, as the ladies are too busy having Great American babies—fighting for our freedom on M St NW. At the moment, their enemies are imaginary, and we can only hope that there won’t be another bloody uprising like the one on 1/6/2021, that last real serious criminal event in our nation’s capitol. We were contemplating putting together some CARE packages to remind the boys of home, but we understand that between Uncle Chips on North Capitol St and Baked & Wired on Thomas Jefferson St, our GIs will be able to get all the cookies they want any time they want them. In the meanwhile: USA!!! USA!!!

The U.S. Air Force has announced it will be separating all transgender service members with 15-18 years of service from the military without retirement benefits. Other “No thank you for your service” mentions in recent news: Tom Hanks will no longer get residuals for Bosom Buddies, Hillary Swank will be stripped of her Oscar for Boys Don’t Cry, a nd Some Like it Hot and Tootsie are being taken off the National Film Registry.  And i n perhaps the unkindest cut of all, Bugs Bunny—whose cross-dressing image is on not one but two US postage stamps (heads are going to roll for that boner)— is being sentenced to be served as Lapin a La Cocotte at the next official White House function.  He should never have made that left turn in Albuquerque. 

The problem with creating a (mostly) daily satirical Trump Administration comic is that the Man of Wealth and Taste and his Cabinet of Curiosities do too many satirizable things (mostly) daily for our crack ConstiToonies team to keep up with. Our annotated virtual copies of The NY Times are so covered with virtual markings that choosing among them is often impossible. And some things defy even our brilliant imaginations. Take, for instance, Trump meeting with Putin in what Trump thinks is Russia (it’s actually Alaska, which hasn’t been a part of Russia for at least a few months now) to attempt to make a deal to end the war that Russia started by invading Ukraine and which Russia has no intentions of giving up without a goodly amount of ill-gotten land for its troubles, not to mention that both tyrants in the talks are excluding President Zelensky, who may have a few ideas of his own on the subject being discussed. Where do you begin to find a joke in any of that? In the idea that Trump...

We here at ConstiToonies HQ tend to gasp in horror at pictures of the Trump Oval Office, AKA the Gilded Palace of Sin Splendor. All that glittering gold reminds us of the glass cabinet with the third-place Student Congress trophies at our local all-boys Catholic high school. And who better than Trump, notoriously paving over the lawn in the Rose Garden even as we type, to design a $200 million rec room addition to pep up the otherwise too staid “People’s House.” “I'm good at building things,” the man of wealth and taste is quoted as saying, “and we’re going to build quickly and on time. It’ll be beautiful, top, top of the line.” One might be inclined to doubt this and to worry that the White House will soon become the White Elephant, but according to White House chief of staff Susie Wiles, “President Trump is a builder at heart and has an extraordinary eye for detail.” Whew. We can breathe easier now.  

 

We here at ConstiToonies HQ applaud our staff’s donations to what is broadly referred to as charity. This includes cultural institutions, which we feel are just as vital as support groups for our physical wellbeing. We believe that the wealthiest among our fellow citizens should at the very least put their fair share into these organizations, and some make an argument that they might owe even a little more than an equal share, given the size of their wealth (not to mention the tax benefits they can derive from founding, say, the Mr. And Mrs. Robber Baron Charitable Trust). So let us quote this from The NY Times about a certain alleged billionaire: “Mr. Trump’s first-term White House announced that he partially donated his salary to agencies, including the Department of Education. But his donations declined over the course of his first term, and he reported no charitable giving in 2020 , according to his tax returns.” Reading daily in the paper about what Trump and his Cabinet of Curio...

The man of wealth and taste in the White House has come up with a fitting way of celebrating our country’s semiquincentennial. “We’re going to have a UFC fight on the grounds of the White House. We have a lot of land there. Every one of our national parks, battlefields and historic sites are going to have special events in honor of America 250. And I even think we’re going to have a UFC fight." Since we suspect that the vast ConstiToonies audience is not particularly up-to-date on Ultimate Fighting, we post here the fouls as listed by Nevada State Athletic Commission: 1. Head-butting 2. Eye-gouging 3. Biting 4. Hair pulling 5. Fish-hooking 6. Groin attacks 7. Putting a finger into any orifice or into any cut or laceration on an opponent (see Fish-hooking) 8. Small joint manipulation 9. Striking to the spine or the back of the head (see Rabbit punch) 10. Throat strikes of any kind, including, without limitation, grabbing the trachea 11. Clawing, pinching or twisting the flesh 12. G...

Today’s multiple choice question—Donald J. Trump (AKA Offisah Pup) is going to take over the D.C. police force because: A) D.C. makes the post-apocalyptic Mad Max movies look like a jolly holiday with Mary Poppins B) the Metro police are being run by Lieutenant Frank Drebin Jr and Trump could do a better job himself with one hand tied behind his back C) violent crime is down 26% from the previous year and is in fact* at a 30-year-low, according to the DOJ** *ConstiToonies regrets the unavoidable use of the word “fact” in a discussion of President Donald J. Trump. **Can somebody get us the name of the person at the DOJ who came up with these numbers so we can fire them ASAP